How Vulnerability Can Improve Your Relationships
How Vulnerability Can Improve Your Relationships
Let’s be honest:
Vulnerability is not something many of us get excited about. The idea of opening ourselves up, showing our true emotions, and potentially getting hurt in the process? Yeah, it’s no wonder most people avoid it like the plague.
But here’s the thing—avoiding vulnerability in your relationships is actually holding you back. It’s preventing you from building deeper, more meaningful connections with the people who matter most.
And trust me, as a therapist, I get it. Vulnerability isn’t my strong suit either. Even though I guide my clients through relationship challenges every day, there are times when I struggle to open up in my own personal relationships. For years, I kept things surface-level, thinking that was enough. It wasn’t. It wasn’t until I started embracing vulnerability that I saw my relationships truly transform.
In this post, we’ll explore how vulnerability can strengthen your relationships, the challenges I faced along the way, and why avoiding it only leads to disconnection. Let’s dive in.
Why Vulnerability Feels So Scary (and Why We Avoid It)
Let’s start by acknowledging the elephant in the room: Vulnerability can feel terrifying. The very definition of vulnerability means allowing yourself to be open to emotional risk, uncertainty, and the possibility of being hurt. When you show someone who you really are—your fears, your insecurities, your flaws—it can feel like you’re handing them the power to hurt you.
But here’s where it gets interesting:
The risk of vulnerability is also what makes it so powerful. The very act of opening up creates an opportunity for deeper connection and trust. Without vulnerability, relationships often stay surface-level. You can go through the motions of being polite, having fun, and even being supportive, but without that deeper emotional connection, the relationship will never feel truly fulfilling.
So, why do we avoid it?
For many people, avoiding vulnerability is a form of self-protection. Maybe you’ve been hurt in the past, or maybe you’ve learned that keeping your emotions to yourself feels safer. But here’s the truth: Avoiding vulnerability leads to disconnection. When you aren’t open about your true feelings, it’s hard for others to connect with you in a meaningful way. This disconnection can create distance, misunderstandings, and even resentment in relationships.
How Vulnerability Was a Challenge for Me
Let me share a bit of my own story. As a therapist, I’m often in a position of guiding others to embrace vulnerability, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for me. Yeah….I’m a therapist, but I’m a human being first! In fact, for years, I had a pretty solid wall up in my personal life. I’d perfected the art of showing just enough of myself to seem open, but I wasn’t really letting anyone in. I’d share my accomplishments, talk about things that were going well, but when it came to my struggles or fears? Nope, those stayed locked up.
My automatic thoughts: “You won’t kick me when I’m down!” “Ya won’t sit on the phone and kee-kee about my ish!” “And I damn sure don’t want anyone’s pity! Are you kidding me!” Yup….therapist here….and those were the thoughts….and the emotions that followed……resentment, anger, shame, distrust, fear…and the actions……self-isolation, disconnection, stand-offish-ness.
Why? Because I was afraid of being judged or appearing weak. Even though I knew, logically, that vulnerability was important for deeper connections, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I kept my guard up. It was safer, I thought. Where did this habit come from? Well…that’s a post for another day.
But here’s the problem with avoiding vulnerability: It doesn’t just protect you from being hurt—it also prevents you from experiencing the full depth of connection that relationships have to offer. Over time, I realized that by holding back, I was keeping my relationships shallow. I felt disconnected from people, even though we spent time together. Something was missing.
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What Changed: Embracing Vulnerability and Its Impact
It wasn’t until I started practicing what I preach with my clients that I saw a shift. I remember a specific moment with a close friend where I decided to just… open up. I shared something deeply personal that I had been holding onto—an insecurity that had been weighing me down. To my surprise, instead of pushing me away or judging me, my friend leaned in closer. We had a long, meaningful conversation, and by the end, I felt more connected to her than ever.
That’s when it clicked: Vulnerability isn’t weakness. It’s strength. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you invite others to meet you on that same level of emotional depth. And in doing so, you create stronger, more resilient relationships.
Here’s how embracing vulnerability has impacted my relationships:
Deeper emotional connection: By sharing my true feelings, my relationships moved from surface-level to meaningful and fulfilling.
Increased trust: Vulnerability builds trust because it shows that you’re willing to be open and honest, even when it’s hard.
Greater empathy: When I shared my struggles, others felt more comfortable sharing theirs. This created an environment of mutual understanding and support.
The Consequences of Avoiding Vulnerability: Disconnection
Now, let’s talk about the flip side: What happens when you avoid vulnerability?
The answer is simple—disconnection. When you keep your guard up, others can’t fully connect with you. They might not even know there’s a barrier between you because everything seems “fine” on the surface, but over time, that lack of emotional depth creates distance.
Here are some common signs of disconnection in relationships:
Feeling misunderstood: When you’re not vulnerable, others can’t truly understand your thoughts, feelings, or experiences. This often leads to feeling unseen or unheard in the relationship.
Emotional distance: Even if you’re physically present, emotionally you may feel far away. Conversations stay on safe, superficial topics, and the relationship lacks depth.
Increased conflict: Without vulnerability, small misunderstandings can escalate into larger conflicts because the emotional foundation of the relationship is weak.
Loneliness in relationships: It’s possible to feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by people. If you’re not allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you might feel isolated even in close relationships.
How to Start Embracing Vulnerability in Your Relationships
If you’ve been avoiding vulnerability, you’re not alone. It’s a common defense mechanism, but it’s one that can be unlearned. The good news is that you can start small and take gradual steps toward embracing vulnerability in your relationships.
Here are a few ways to get started:
Start with someone you trust: Let me say that again for the people in the back. START WITH SOMEONE YOU TRUST! Everyone is NOT entitled nor do they deserve your vulnerability. So exercise discernment when choosing who to be vulnerable with. Now….begin by opening up to someone who has shown they are supportive and trustworthy. Again……SOMEONE WHO HAS SHOWN YOU THEY ARE SUPPORTIVE AND TRUSTWORTHY! Share something small at first—a fear, an insecurity, or a challenge you’ve been facing.
Acknowledge your fear: It’s okay to be scared of vulnerability! Recognize that the fear of being judged or hurt is natural, but also remind yourself that vulnerability is the path to deeper connection.
Practice active listening: Vulnerability isn’t just about sharing your own emotions—it’s also about being open to the emotions of others. Practice active listening and empathy in your conversations to build a safe space for both parties to be vulnerable. Listening is a SKILL and believe me, a lot of folks have not clue how to listen. Many listen to respond….but the more you listen for understanding, you’ll notice a deeper and reciprocal connection with people you care about.
Be patient: Building vulnerability takes time. You might not see immediate results, and that’s okay. Relationships are a long game, and vulnerability is a skill that gets easier with practice.
The Benefits of Vulnerability in Relationships
So, why go through all the trouble of embracing vulnerability? The benefits far outweigh the risks, and once you start practicing vulnerability in your relationships, you’ll notice a profound shift.
Here are some of the benefits you can expect:
Stronger emotional bonds: Vulnerability creates a deeper emotional connection, which strengthens the overall bond in the relationship.
Better communication: When both parties are vulnerable, communication becomes more open, honest, and effective.
Increased trust: Vulnerability builds trust because it shows you’re willing to be honest, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Healthier conflict resolution: When you’re vulnerable, conflicts become easier to navigate because both parties understand each other’s emotions and intentions more clearly.
IF YOU ROCKED OUT THIS FAR…GIVE ME A FEW MORE SECONDS….
Vulnerability may feel scary, but it’s the key to building stronger, deeper, and more meaningful relationships. By embracing vulnerability, you create space for true emotional connection, trust, and empathy—all of which are essential for healthy relationships.
If you’ve been avoiding vulnerability, I encourage you to take small steps toward opening up in your relationships. You might be surprised at how much deeper and more fulfilling your connections become.
At Point and Pivot, I’m all about helping Gen X Black women embrace vulnerability, gain emotional clarity, and build stronger relationships through evidence-based therapy.
Need more guidance? Reach out to schedule a free consultation to learn how anxiety therapy can help you navigate relationship challenges and live with more confidence and clarity.
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Chrys…..OUT! xoxoxox