Pause. Pivot. Proceed with Intention: A Therapist’s Guide to Showing Up Better in Relationships
Story Time
I remember sitting in a session with a client—let’s call her Renee—who was exhausted from the emotional tug-of-war happening in her closest relationships. Whether it was her mother, her partner, or her sister, she often found herself reacting quickly, regretting what she said, and then retreating out of shame. "I feel like I'm either blowing up, shutting down, screaming at the top of my lungs or abruptly hanging up on folks" she said. "And I don’t know how to stop."
We’ve all been there in some form. When our nervous system is on high alert and a simple comment feels like a full-on attack, it’s easy to react in ways that don’t align with the person we want to be. In our closest relationships—especially with family—this dynamic becomes even more pronounced.
Maybe you were taught that keeping the peace meant staying silent. Or maybe, in your family system, raising your voice was the only way to be heard. Either way, most of us developed emotional habits long before we had the tools to recognize or shift them.
As a therapist, I know that learning how to pause and respond differently in those moments is the real work of emotional growth. It’s not about perfection—it’s about presence. And it starts with getting honest about our role in the relational patterns we’re part of.
If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed in your relationships and ready to change how you show up, book a free consultation with Point and Pivot Counseling Services.
The Problem
Too often, we believe that showing up better in relationships means becoming less emotional or more agreeable. But that usually leads to:
Suppressing how we really feel
Overexplaining or apologizing for our needs
Overfunctioning to maintain the peace
Feeling resentment or emotional fatigue
Relationship anxiety creeps in when we try to manage not only ourselves but also how others see us and respond to us. This internal scramble creates emotional reactivity—and when we’re reactive, we’re not connected to our values. We’re operating from anger or fear, not intention.
What’s worse? Most of us were never taught what to do with this anxiety. So we either lash out, shut down, or people-please our way through hard conversations. The cycle repeats. We blame the relationship or the other person—but we rarely zoom out to ask the deeper question: What am I bringing to this moment?
Bowen Theory teaches us that anxiety is contagious. When someone around us escalates, we often match their energy—unless we have the tools to regulate ourselves. Without that regulation, we get swept up in emotional fusion: when our identity is so tied to someone else’s reactions that we forget who we are.
And in that fusion, our sense of agency disappears. We become reactive, not responsive.
Let's Break It Down Further
To shift how we show up in relationships, we need a two-pronged approach: self-awareness and intentional action. This is where Bowen Theory and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) come in.
Bowen Theory: Self-Differentiation
Bowen teaches us that the healthiest people in relationships are those who can stay connected without being emotionally fused.
Differentiation means:
Being able to hold onto your sense of self when others are upset
Managing your reactivity (instead of attempting to control others)
Taking responsibility for your actions, not someone else’s
A well-differentiated person is able to say, “I’m responsible for how I show up. I can choose my tone, timing, and presence, even if you’re activated.” This doesn’t mean you suppress emotions—it means you respond from your “self”, not your symptoms.
ACT Therapy: Values-Based Living
ACT helps us recognize that we will experience discomfort—but we can still choose actions that align with our values.
ACT teaches us to:
Notice our anxious thoughts without becoming them (defusion)
Tune into our values (e.g., honesty, connection, respect)
Take committed action even when it feels hard
When we blend ACT with Bowen, we build the ability to pause in difficult moments, get curious about what’s happening internally, and act from the version of ourselves we want to be—not the one that’s reacting out of old patterns.
Ready to explore how you can stay grounded in your most triggering relationships? Book a consult now.
So What Now?
Here’s a process you can begin practicing today. It’s simple—but not easy. With consistency, it can become the foundation for healthier interactions.
Step 1: Pause
When you feel the urge to react, stop.
Take one deep breath. Notice what’s happening in your body. Is your heart racing? Is your jaw clenched? Are you flooded with a familiar “here we go again” feeling?
This is where you begin. Recognize the sensation of anxiety—not as a signal to do something, but as a cue to slow down.
Ask yourself:
What am I feeling in my body right now?
Is this reaction about the present moment—or something deeper?
What values do I want to live by right now?
Step 2: Pivot
Choose to respond from your values instead of your anxiety.
Pivoting is the moment you acknowledge, “I feel anxious, but I don’t have to let that drive me.”
Ask:
What kind of person do I want to be in this moment?
If I could zoom out, how would I handle this differently?
What would it look like to honor my boundaries and the relationship?
Sometimes, the pivot is silence. Sometimes, it’s saying, “I need space.” Sometimes, it’s gently asserting your truth. But it’s always intentional.
Step 3: Proceed with Intention
Now you respond. Not react. You express your truth while staying connected to your calm.
This may sound like:
“I want to respond thoughtfully, not react emotionally. Can we come back to this in an hour?”
“Here’s what I’m feeling, and I want to say it in a way that’s kind and clear.”
“Let’s talk about this when we both have the bandwidth to really listen.”
Intentional responses disrupt the cycle of reactivity. They create space for healing—and for mutual understanding.
Now Imagine This...
Imagine showing up in your relationships as someone who is calm, clear, and grounded.
Imagine:
Expressing yourself without overexplaining or shrinking
No longer absorbing the emotional chaos of others
Feeling aligned with who you are, even in hard conversations
Replacing reactivity with regulation
Leading with your values instead of fear
This doesn’t mean you won’t feel anxiety. It means you’ll know what to do with it.
You’ll trust yourself to handle hard moments with clarity.
You’ll build emotional integrity—the ability to stay true to your values, even under pressure.
You’ll go from reacting to relating.
And that shift? That’s where change begins.
You deserve relationships that are both honest and healthy.
Let's help you get there. Book a free consult with me today.
Let's Do This!
The truth is: most of us weren’t taught how to show up for ourselves and our relationships at the same time.
But you can learn. You can unlearn. You can point to what matters and pivot toward the life and relationships you actually want.
See what I did there! LOL
At Point and Pivot Counseling Services, I help Black women who are navigating anxiety, family dynamics, and relationship challenges learn how to:
Regulate their emotions
Set values-based boundaries
Stop overfunctioning in emotionally intense relationships
Heal from the relational patterns that no longer serve them
You can show up differently. You can feel more in control—even when things get hard. You can create connection without losing yourself in the process.
Let’s do this. Book your free consult today.
Until next time,
Chrys….OUT! ✌🏽😘
