Are you really “Unbothered”? The Hidden Cost of Performative Strength in Your Relationships
Story Time
I used to pride myself on being the one who could “handle anything.”
The calm in the storm. The dependable one.
The unbothered one.
I didn’t cry in front of people. I didn’t ask for help. And I definitely didn’t let anyone see when something cut deep. If a conversation got tense, I’d shut down or switch into intellectual mode. If someone hurt my feelings, I’d smile and act like I hadn’t noticed.
But behind that cool, unbothered exterior was a woman who was exhausted.
I was constantly managing how I appeared to others, trying to prove I was strong, capable, and unshakeable.
The truth?
I wasn’t showing up as myself. I was showing up as a version of me that felt safe.
Safe from judgment.
Safe from rejection.
Safe from being misunderstood.
But being “safe” came at a cost: disconnection, resentment, and a chronic sense of loneliness—even when I wasn’t alone.
Tired of pretending you’re unbothered when you’re actually carrying so much inside?
Let’s talk about what it would look like to finally show up as your real self—in relationships and in life.
The Problem
There’s a cost to pretending to be unbothered.
And many of us pay it every day—especially Black women raised to “be strong” no matter what.
You might:
Downplay your needs to avoid being seen as “too sensitive”
Wear a mask of perfection so no one sees the cracks
Avoid hard conversations and tell yourself it’s “not worth the energy”
Act unbothered in conflict—but stew on it for days
Be praised for your strength but feel invisible at the same time
This isn’t strength. It’s survival.
And it’s deeply tied to generational messaging we’ve received—especially the idea that expressing vulnerability makes you weak, messy, or incapable.
For many of us, “Don’t let them see you sweat” wasn’t just a phrase—it was a family value.
We learned early that being too emotional could be dangerous. That disappointment, anger, or sadness weren’t welcome. That asking for support meant you “didn’t have your shit together”.
So we learned to perform strength.
We became masters at it.
But performing strength is not the same as embodying strength.
And when your performance becomes your personality, you lose the parts of yourself that are tender, honest, and human.
Let’s Break It Down Further
Let’s talk about why we do this.
At the heart of the “unbothered” persona are two core drivers: emotional unsafety and relational anxiety.
1. Emotional Unsafety
If you grew up in an environment where emotional expression was met with criticism, dismissal, or silence, you probably learned to suppress it.
You might have been told:
“Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“Nobody needs to know all your business.”
That’s not just discouragement—it’s training!
It teaches you to equate vulnerability with shame. Over time, you develop a survival strategy that says: It’s safer not to feel at all.
So, you numb. You stay cool. You keep it together—because if you fall apart, who’s going to catch you?
2. Relational Anxiety
Underneath perfectionism and performance is the fear of being rejected or misunderstood.
You don’t want to appear needy.
You don’t want to say the wrong thing.
You don’t want to “make a big deal” out of something.
So instead of speaking up or showing up vulnerably, you perform. You smile. You nod. You agree. You say “it’s fine” when it isn’t.
You become a character in your own relationships—so afraid of rocking the boat that you forget how to stand on solid ground.
And the irony?
People end up connecting with the mask, not you. Which only makes you feel more alone.
You don’t have to keep performing strength to protect yourself.
If you're ready to explore how emotional safety can start with you, let's unpack it together.
So What Now?
Here’s the good news: You can unlearn the performance.
You can shift from pretending to be unbothered to being emotionally present and grounded.
Here’s how you begin:
Name the Pattern
Start by noticing when you’re slipping into performance mode.
Ask yourself:
Am I saying “I’m fine” to avoid being honest?
Am I smiling to keep the peace even though I’m upset?
Am I pretending not to care because caring feels risky?
Awareness is the first step to change.
Get Curious, Not Critical
This pattern exists for a reason—it protected you. So don’t judge it.
Instead, ask: What do I need right now that I’m afraid to ask for?
Compassion helps loosen the grip of perfectionism.
Practice Small Acts of Authenticity
You don’t have to spill your entire emotional life overnight.
Start small.
Share a real feeling.
Ask for support.
Let your voice shake.
Say “I don’t have it all together today.”
Each time you do, you create space for genuine connection—where the real you can be seen and held.
Now Imagine This…
Imagine walking into a conversation and not bracing yourself.
Imagine setting boundaries without over-explaining.
Being upset without apologizing for it.
Receiving help without guilt.
Saying no without the follow-up speech.
Imagine feeling safe enough in your own skin that you don’t need to perform. You just… show up.
Not armored. Not polished. Not pretending.
Just present.
That’s the real strength. And it’s available to you.
Not someday. Not when you “have it all together.”
But right now—exactly as you are.
Let’s Do This!
This journey—of showing up honestly and letting go of the mask—isn’t easy.
But it’s worth it.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
At Point and Pivot, I help Black women explore the emotional patterns that were passed down, unpack the survival strategies they’ve outgrown, and step into a new way of being—rooted in clarity, presence, and choice.
You get to choose who you want to be in your relationships.
Not who you were taught to be.
Not who you perform as.
But you—real, grounded, and whole.
You’ve spent enough time hiding behind the mask.
Now it’s your turn to be seen, heard, and supported for who you really are.
Until Next Time,
Chrys…OUT! ✌🏽😘
