The First Time I Realized I Had Social Anxiety – Why I Stopped Avoiding and Started Facing It Head-On
As a Black Gen X woman, I’ve often navigated spaces where the expectation is to show strength, be self-sufficient, and power through challenges without showing vulnerability. For many of us, including myself, this expectation can sometimes mask deeper feelings of anxiety, particularly social anxiety. We may not even recognize it as such—often chalking it up to discomfort, shyness, or simply being an introvert. I was in that same boat for years, not realizing that what I was really experiencing was social anxiety!
It wasn’t until I had a breakdown at a networking event that I truly recognized how avoiding social interactions was controlling my life. As I reflect on that moment, I now see that many Black Gen X women, like myself, go through life avoiding social spaces because of the underlying anxiety we don’t know how to name. We live in a world that, in many ways, has demanded that we silence our emotions, and this can make identifying anxiety difficult.
Let’s explore the first time I realized I could possibly be struggling with social anxiety, how it controlled my life, and what changed when I decided to face it head-on.
The Set-Up: The Social Gathering That Exposed My Anxiety
It was 2012, and I was just starting out with a new career as a mental health therapist. My professional life was gaining traction, but my personal life felt like a mess. I had always been uncomfortable in large social settings, particularly those filled with people I didn’t know. I would skip parties, avoid professional mixers, and even dread family gatherings, convincing myself that I was just "better on my own."
That year, I was invited to a major networking event that I couldn’t avoid. It was an opportunity to connect with colleagues and potential referral sources. As a new therapist, it was crucial that I attend. But instead of engaging, I spent the night feeling like an outsider, sitting on the sidelines and avoiding interactions. My heart raced, my palms were sweaty, and I was convinced that I didn’t belong there. I wanted to leave the minute I walked in.
This avoidance didn’t just happen in professional settings. Like many Black Gen X women, I had grown accustomed to withdrawing from social interactions where I felt judged or out of place. Whether it was being the only Black woman in a room, feeling the pressure of societal expectations, or fearing the subtle (or not-so-subtle) judgments from others, I often avoided situations that made me feel exposed.
But avoidance is a short-term solution for a long-term problem, and that event was a turning point for me.
3 Things That Fed My Social Anxiety
Reflecting on that night, I now see how deeply rooted my social anxiety was and why my coping mechanisms were failing me.
#1: I Didn’t Know What I Was Experiencing Was Anxiety
Growing up, anxiety wasn’t something we talked about in my family or community. For many Black Gen X women, anxiety can show up in subtle ways, often going unrecognized. I didn’t realize that the discomfort I felt in social situations—the racing heart, the overthinking, the dread—was social anxiety. I assumed it was just "how I am."
Without the language to name it, I continued to avoid social interactions, believing I was just introverted or shy. This lack of understanding made it hard for me to seek help or strategies to manage it.
The Solution:
Once I started to learn more about anxiety and how it can manifest, particularly in social situations, I was able to understand that what I had been experiencing for years wasn’t just shyness or discomfort—it was anxiety. This recognition was the first step in helping me address it.
If you’re a Black Gen X woman who avoids social situations but doesn’t know why, consider that it might be social anxiety. Understanding what you’re experiencing is key to finding the right tools to manage it.
#2: I Tried to Avoid Judgment by Staying Silent
A lot of my social anxiety was tied to the fear of judgment. As Black women, many of us feel the pressure to be "on" all the time—to be articulate, successful, and flawless in every setting. This pressure can make social situations feel like a test that I was bound to fail. As a result, I avoided speaking up, making eye contact, and sometimes even attending events altogether.
That night at the networking event, I spent the entire time sitting quietly, afraid that anything I said would be judged. I didn’t realize that this silence was feeding my anxiety, reinforcing my fears rather than challenging them.
The Solution:
I learned that facing social anxiety requires pushing through the discomfort of being seen and heard. I started small—making brief conversation at the grocery store, saying hello to neighbors—and gradually worked my way up to more challenging social situations. The more I practiced, the less overwhelming it became.
If you often stay silent in social situations, afraid of being judged, remember that speaking up is a muscle you can strengthen. Start small, and give yourself permission to take up space.
#3: I Wasn’t Giving Myself Permission to Be Vulnerable
One of the biggest barriers to managing my social anxiety was the belief that I had to always have it together. Black women are often socialized to be strong and self-reliant, leaving little room for vulnerability. I carried this belief with me into social interactions, feeling like I couldn’t show any cracks in my armor.
But the truth is, vulnerability is a key part of building authentic connections. By trying to avoid any hint of weakness, I was isolating myself further and reinforcing my anxiety. That night at the networking event, I was so focused on appearing "put together" that I didn’t allow myself to just be present and real with the people around me.
The Solution:
I started practicing vulnerability, not just in social settings, but in all areas of my life. I gave myself permission to be imperfect, to stumble through conversations, and to show up as I was. This shift helped me feel less pressure to perform and more freedom to simply be myself.
If you’re struggling with social anxiety, consider where you might be holding back from vulnerability. Being real with others—whether it’s sharing your nervousness or admitting you’re not sure what to say—can help build deeper, more meaningful connections.
Why I Stopped Avoiding and Started Facing My Social Anxiety
After that event, I realized that avoiding social interactions wasn’t making my anxiety better—it was making it worse. Here are the key changes I made to stop avoiding and start facing my social anxiety:
1. I Learned to Name It
Once I could name what I was experiencing as social anxiety, I was able to seek out tools and support to manage it. The more I understood about anxiety, the more empowered I felt to confront it.
2. I Practiced Exposure in Small Steps
Instead of forcing myself into overwhelming situations, I started with small exposures—saying hello to a cashier, chatting with a colleague. Each small step built my confidence and reduced my anxiety over time.
3. I Focused on Building Authentic Connections
Rather than worrying about how I was being perceived, I started focusing on connecting with people authentically. This shift allowed me to see social interactions as opportunities for connection rather than threats to my self-esteem.
Perseverance Pays Off
Social anxiety is something that many Black Gen X women experience but don’t always know how to name. If you find yourself avoiding social situations or feeling overwhelmed by the thought of being around people, you’re not alone—and you’re not powerless. By facing my social anxiety head-on, I’ve learned to build meaningful connections and live more fully. And you can, too.
At Point and Pivot Counseling Services, I help Black Gen X women confront social anxiety and other challenges related to midlife transitions. Through evidence-based practices like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), I guide clients toward living a life where anxiety doesn’t hold them back.
If you’re ready to stop avoiding and start facing your social anxiety, CLICK HERE and book a consultation with me at Point and Pivot Counseling Services. Let’s work together to find the tools that will help you thrive.
Chrys….OUT! xoxoxoxo
