Why Anxiety Shows Up in Your Relationships (And What to Do About It)
Story Time
It starts with a phone call.
You’re just checking in, like you usually do. A quick call to your mom on a Sunday evening. Nothing major. Just a simple, "Hey, how are you?" Mom’s on speaker while you’re cooking dinner.
But halfway through the conversation, your mother says something that cuts deeper than intended.
"You always cook and eat so late. Sean (that’s your son, her grandson) should have eaten by now."
UGHHHHH!!!!!
Before you can even catch your breath, you snap.
"Why do you always have to be so negative and critical?! I’m sick of it!"
Then you hang up the phone.
Your hands are shaking. Your chest feels tight. Without thinking, you immediately call your sister.
"Guess what Mom said this time. I can't take it anymore. She's so toxic. It's like she lives to get under my skin."
Your sister sighs and tries to talk you down. Sometimes she agrees. Sometimes she defends mom. Either way, you feel momentary relief.
But the anxiety lingers.
This wasn’t the first time. And it won’t be the last.
You tell yourself you’ll set boundaries. You’ll be calm. You won’t your mom get to you. But when the moment comes again (and it will), it feels like something takes over—and suddenly you’re 12 years old again, not the grown woman you are today.
Sound familiar?
If this feels like your story—or even a version of your story—you’re not alone.
Tired of the same emotional spiral?
Book your free consultation today and learn how to respond instead of react.
The Problem
Anxiety doesn’t just show up during big life changes or public speaking gigs. For many of us, anxiety lives in our relationships—especially the ones we’ve had the longest.
And when it comes to family relationships, anxiety tends to play a starring role.
You feel it when your mom makes a passive-aggressive comment and you can’t stop thinking about it for days. You feel it when you replay a conversation with your sister over and over, wondering if you said something wrong. You feel it when your phone lights up with a family group text and you want to throw it across the room.
Family anxiety often looks like:
Overexplaining or defending yourself in conversations
Feeling responsible for how everyone feels
Going along to get along, even when it hurts
Lashing out and then feeling guilty
Obsessing about what you "should" have said or done
It’s not just that your mom can be critical or that your family is "difficult."
It’s that your nervous system knows that connection = survival.
When your relationships feel tense, uncertain, or emotionally charged, your anxiety spikes as a protective response.
But here’s the thing: that response may be automatic, but it’s not unchangeable.
Let’s Break It Down Further
Let’s talk about two core concepts from Bowen Theory that explain what’s really going on underneath the surface: triangulation and differentiation.
Triangulation
Remember that phone call earlier? The moment you hung up on your mom and you called your sister to vent.
That’s triangulation in action.
When anxiety builds between two people, we often pull in a third person to relieve the tension. In families, this is incredibly common—and automatic.
Calling your sister. Venting to your partner. Going to a friend to “make sense” of the conflict.
It provides temporary relief, but it doesn’t solve the problem. In fact, it often keeps the emotional intensity alive by keeping the triangle active.
Differentiation
This is the key.
Differentiation is the ability to stay connected to someone without losing yourself in the process.
It means you can:
Hear your mom’s criticism without lashing out or shutting down.
Stay grounded in your values even when others disagree.
Tolerate the discomfort of emotional tension without immediately reacting.
And yes, this takes work.
Because if you’ve spent your life defaulting to people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, or flipping out when things feel out of control, your nervous system is going to fight you on this.
But here’s the good news: you can build your differentiation over time.
And Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) along with Bowen Family Systems concepts gives us powerful tools to help.
Curious how this shows up in your life?
🔗 Click here to schedule your free consultation and start untangling your anxiety from your relationships.
So What Now?
Start by noticing.
When you feel that familiar rush of anxiety during a conversation with a family member, pause. Ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What thoughts are showing up?
What do I want to do—and what might a values-aligned version of me choose to do instead?
This is where cognitive defusion from ACT comes in. Rather than being fused with your thoughts ("My mom always tries to control me"), practice seeing them as just thoughts.
Try saying:
"I’m having the thought that my mom is trying to control me."
I know it may sound a bit silly, but trust me on this one.
A thought is a thought.
A mental event.
Adding this phrase “I’m having the thought that……” to the beginning of your thought creates space between you and your thoughts. It helps you separate from and objectively observe your thoughts so you’re not “fused” with them.
Next, ask: “What action would move me closer to the kind of daughter/sister/partner I want to be?”
Maybe it’s taking a deep breath. Maybe it’s ending the conversation with calm. Maybe it’s choosing not to vent to your sibling and sitting with the discomfort instead.
These tiny shifts help rewire the way you respond to relationship stress.
And over time? Your nervous system learns that you don’t have to react—you can respond.
Now Imagine This…
You’re on the phone with your mom again.
She says something critical—AGAIN. 🥴
Your chest tightens. That heat rushes up your neck.
But this time, you don’t snap.
You pause. You notice your thought: “I’m having the thought that she’s doing it again.”
You feel the urge to lash out—but you ride the wave.
You say, “I hear what you’re saying, but this is how I chose to do xyz.”
And you gracefully end the convo by saying, “Just called to check in so I’ll speak with you tomorrow”.
You don’t call your sister. You don’t replay the conversation all night in your mind.
You go for a walk. You make a cup of chamomile tea (my favorite). You breathe.
And you realize: You’re not trapped in your family’s emotional patterns anymore. You get to choose who you want to be in every interaction.
That’s what emotional freedom looks like.
Let’s Do This!
You don’t have to cut people off to “protect your peace”.
You don’t have to keep crashing out and “knocking all this ish off the table”.
You don’t have to stay stuck in guilt, people-pleasing, or emotional overload.
You can learn to:
Stay grounded when family drama starts brewing
Communicate clearly without overexplaining
Stop overfunctioning and start observing
Respond from your values instead of reacting from your anxiety
That’s the work I do at Point and Pivot.
Let’s untangle the mess so you can start showing up differently—with clarity, calm, and choice.
🔗 Ready to do relationships differently? Book your free consultation today and start the shift.
Until next time,
Chrys… OUT. ✌🏽😘
